Sparks and Snowballs

For so many years I was unable to remember so many memories from my childhood.  People use to say to me, "Remember when we were kids?" or "Do you remember when...?"  And my response would be a smile and nodding my head "yes", but the truth is I had no recollection of any memories.  I had been told that my mind had blocked my memories as a defense mechanism, to protect myself.  It wasn't until I found one of my childhood friends on Facebook that I made it my goal to remember my lost memories. 

My friend, I will refer to her as "TC", had mentioned that she still had a gift that I had given to her when we were children, and how it has always had a special place in her heart.  I was touched to know that she had kept this keepsake for over 30 years.  But I was also heart-broken that I could not remember it.  She described it, but I did not remember buying it or anything about it.  My heart-break continued as I could not remember the wonderful memories she would write to me about.  She was my best friend from the time I was 5 years old until I was 9 years old.  We were with each other almost every day.  We lived in the same apartment complex, we were on the 3rd floor, they were on the 7th, I believe.  My sister and TC's brother were the same age, and I was the same age as her other brother.  TC was 1 year younger than me, but my very best friend nonetheless. 

TC was that teeny tiny SPARK that unleashed it all.  It wasn't all at once, but it was the start of what has SNOWBALLED my memories coming back to me.  These memories are both good and bad.  But I am so thankful that they are back.  So TC, thank you for being my friend and being my "spark"!

The snowball continued to roll with my desire to know more about my own family, my family genealogy, my family's history.  I was able to reach out to family members that I hadn't seen since I was a young child, and also family members that I had never met before.  From this, our first Arevalo Family Reunion happened in Las Vegas in 2010.  I met Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins with the same love for family that I have.  To know that I have family members that love and support me, what a wonderful feeling!  My love and appreciation for my Aunts and Uncles has never been stronger.  They have shown me that not all "family" is bad and unsupportive. They have shown me that no family is perfect, but it's important to be there for each other in our times of need.  And they have been there for me in my times of emotional need.  Thank you Arevalo family for loving and supporting me!

Given the family stories, I decided to go to my parents' home and retrieve the piles of pictures that I had avoided for years.  I brought these pictures to my home, but I didn't go through them.  I didn't look at them because I was afraid.  I was afraid of not being able to remember, I was afraid of what I would remember, I was afraid of what I was going to tell my husband, and I was just afraid of what would happen if I did remember.  Would I loose my relationship with my own family members?  So, I let them sit in the boxes until I was ready. Until I was ready to remember the truths about my life that needed to be unlocked.  It was almost a year before I opened up the boxes.  I finally wanted to remember EVERYTHING!  The GOOD, the Bad, and even the Ugly.  And as I opened up the boxes I started to remember the GOOD, which has out-weighed the Bad and Ugly memories.  These pictures would often have me in tears as I looked at them, even as I look at them today.  Not all sad tears of course, but happy tears.  Tears of happiness, because I remembered.

It's Time

I've been thinking, maybe it's time to share the experiences of my past. I've been debating "how much" to share.

I know there are people in my life that won't want to read about what happened.  There are people in my life that I have kept in the dark about my life, and this has become a shock to them. There are people in my life that need to know about the horror I lived through as a child, so that they can understand me better. And there are people that may not know that the monster that caused this pain is in their lives, around their own children, and has been welcome in their own homes without even knowing.  Or even worse, this monster is someone's husband, father, child, brother, nephew, uncle, friend, and lastly my cousin....
And for years, this has been kept a secret, swept under the carpet, and wanted to be forgotten by all that knew about what had happened. But guess what? At some point the mess under the carpet will need to be cleaned up, and it's that time. No more secrets, no more protection for the pervert that molested and raped me as a child, and no more wondering about what actually happened.
I won't apologize for the explicit information I will be providing. Nor will I apologize to those who have kept this secret to protect the guilty or his family. And just so all are aware, NO APOLOGY was ever conveyed or given to ME for what happened to ME or the treatment I received from my family members or this sick pervert!
Thankfully I have a wonderful blessing of a husband that supports me in this endeavor. I have a supportive sister who lived through the same horror, but was stronger than me, and was able to press charges against this monster.  And I have the support of family and friends that I didn't recognize before. This is where I find my strength and my determination to share my experiences.  So stay tuned. My next posts will be posted soon.